Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
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subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
ok hear me out: Luigiana
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.