Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
You Might Also Like
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.