Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
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This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off