I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
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[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
They’re really bad with fonts.
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
I can’t deal with men any longer
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face