finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
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5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
definitely did not do anything wrong
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.