Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
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All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
Good morning y’all ☀️
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…