(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
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7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong