If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
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[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
that lip filler tho
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
Day 2 of my diet
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]