Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
You Might Also Like
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*