Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
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Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything