i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
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“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids