My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
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I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel