Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
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#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.