Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
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If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
Don’t tell me what to do
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
The three genders.
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu