If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
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I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
HR said no more nunchucks.
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it