It’s been a terrible year for burglars
You Might Also Like
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.