Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
You Might Also Like
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
Mummies are just super modest zombies
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
This classic never gets old . . .
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.