Peter Parker Peter Driver
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I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
Dead
Alive
Other✔
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
*pronounces surface like Versace*
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
A wise man once said nothing.
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
john wicks are toilet candles
I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
thanksgiving should be called feaster
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.