HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
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Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
Is fake venison called venisn’t
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
Breaking news:
Worlds greatest photobomb
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
There’s only one good girl here!
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!