The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
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STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
This is Sparta
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
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Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.