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I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
I have a new favorite meme page
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes