Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
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They’re really bad with fonts.
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
who wants to go expliring
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
bias laundering edition
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.