One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
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Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
I bet
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA