I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
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Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
what kind of cook setting is this??
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
just make the entire table out of coaster
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”