You Might Also Like
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.