being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
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I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
*feels the wind in my toe hair
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
Tell the colonel to bring it
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.