National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
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I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
#Thanos #MondayMood
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”