We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
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*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.