Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
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My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
Vodka burrito was a success
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
😏😏😏
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
New tinder profile pic
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
Florida man
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?