Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
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Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”