My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
You Might Also Like
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!