Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
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The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
hey, alexa
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver