why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
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me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.