Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
You Might Also Like
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start