THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
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BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
#Caturday
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
Jurassic park gets weird
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
I know a bad idea when I see one.