On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
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I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.