I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
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SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
Sing it!
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
i love meeting boys on tinder
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.