I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
You Might Also Like
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took