I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
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omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.