We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
You Might Also Like
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.