Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
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One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
🛁
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean