Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
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Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
Today’s Times
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu