“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
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Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton