friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
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Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it