If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
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I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
the council will decide your fate
Basically.