Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
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The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
a public service announcement
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.