Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
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I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane