My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
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Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
Jokes on them. I took 10.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here