Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
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Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
I’ve been drinking.
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.