*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
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People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
philosophical skeletons be like
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.